WHAT KEEP YOU STUCK - AND HOW TO BREAK FREE OF THEM, CHANGE YOUR LIFE AND ACHIEVE SUCCESS

It’s painful to watch others achieve their goals and rise to new levels of success while your own life stays more or less the same—year after year.

Do you ever wonder whether you could succeed too—and if so, how?

If that’s been on your mind, you’re not alone. And what I’m about to share might be exactly what you need to hear.

The method you use to pursue change and success matters. A lot.

Some approaches get you nowhere—or even make things worse. But others can create meaningful, lasting transformation. In this post, I’ll show you what keeps you stuck, what actually works, and how to move forward in a way that brings you closer to your goals and a more fulfilling life.

At the end, you’ll find a self-reflection exercise to help you apply these strategies and mindsets to your own life.

WHAT KEEPS YOU STUCK

1) Goals That Aren’t Truly Yours

We all have goals. Some people write them down. Others keep a mental checklist. But have you ever stopped to ask yourself: Where did these goals come from? Are they truly mine?

We often chase what the world expects from us - what we should want.

How should I behave? What should I look like? What job should I have? How much money should I make? Should I get married? Have kids? When?

The external expectations — from family, friends, culture, media, and even social media — can be overwhelming. What makes this especially difficult is that you might not even realize you’re living according to others’ expectations. Over time, these external pressures can become so ingrained that we stop questioning them — they start to feel like our own. And if you build your life around them, you may find that nothing ever feels like enough. There will always be people who disagree with your decisions, who criticize your actions. That nagging sense of “not being good enough” stems from building your life around external expectations as well as comparing yourself to others; and it pulls you down.

Even if you do meet those expectations, you may still feel unhappy or unfulfilled. Why? Because those goals aren’t authentic—you’re not led by your own values; you’re chasing someone else’s ideal image of you.

These “should” goals often come from a deep desire to be accepted and validated. But because they’re not aligned with your values and authentic self, they lack the emotional power to truly drive you. You may even subconsciously sabotage yourself and your ability to reach those goals. 

2) Tearing Yourself Down with Self-Criticism

In our culture, we often use criticism, judgment, and even shame as a way to try to motivate change in others. We act as if focusing on shortcomings and pointing out someone’s mistakes will make them improve. And we often do the same to ourselves—believing that self-criticism and self-condemnation will push us to be better. 

But when we judge and belittle ourselves in the hope that it will lead to positive changes, we usually just end up feeling worse - and bewildered - as things seem to fall apart even more in our lives. That`s because self-criticism sabotages you as it creates emotional pain and reinforces a harmful narrative: I’m not good enough. I always mess things up. I’ll never change.

Let’s look at two examples:

“I feel ashamed. I ate two slices of cake and drank a bunch of sugary soda. I’ve only been dieting for four days and I already blew it. I`ve been trying to lose weight for years and I fail again and again.. What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I have any self-control... I’m so pathetic, I can’t even lose weight. I’m weak... I’m fat and no one finds me attractive. Everyone thinks I’m disgusting. So I have to lose weight.”

“How could I forget such an important deadline... I always mess up because I procrastinate on the most important projects. I’m the only one who missed the deadline. My boss must think I am lazy. I’m such an idiot. I could even lose my job if I keep making mistakes like this. I must figure how to become better with deadlines”

Sound familiar? 

When you beat yourself up like this, you’re not motivating yourself—you’re tearing yourself down. You reinforce feelings of shame, fear, and inadequacy. And rather than energizing you to take action, these emotions paralyze you and with that the feeling of “I`m not good enough” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Self-criticism erodes your motivation, crushes your self-confidence, and makes you feel downright miserable.

These kind of self-condemning thoughts create inner conflict:

• A part of you longs to be accepted, respected and loved.

• Another part of you is convinced that there’s something deeply wrong with you—that you’re not good enough so you fear you’re not worthy of any of it.

  
  

To manage this tension, you might start creating blind spots in your thinking by making excuses, and blaming others. And that brings us to the next trap that keeps you stuck:

3) Trying to Change Others – The Victim Mentality

When we make excuses, and blame others, we create blind spots in our thinking. It becomes easy to convince ourselves that our success and personal growth are not within our control. We start believing that everything depends on external factors or other people and by doing that we give away our power. As a result of excuses and blaming you might feel like a victim of circumstances or the world—and this can quickly turn into a mindset where instead of trying to change yourself, you focus on trying to change everyone else. 

This victim mindset can feel comforting at first—but it’s a trap. The more you focus on how others need to change, the less energy you invest in your own growth.

And here’s the truth: you can’t change others—but you can change yourself. 

YOU’RE NOT ALONE

If external goals, self-criticism, and the victim mentality actually worked, we’d all be surrounded by happy, successful, wealthy, slim people—and we’d be among them too. But they just don’t work.

If any of this resonates with you, please know—you’re not alone. 

So many of us, myself included, learned these patterns and coping strategies when growing up. I still catch myself falling into them. But I’ve also learned better strategies—and I intentionally return to them when I want to break free of these old unhelpful strategies. 

It's not your fault that these coping strategies are present in your life. But the responsibility can be yours—to recognize them and break free of them by choosing a new path. 

HOW TO ACTUALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE recogniseAND REACH YOUR GOALS

When people come to me for coaching, we take a completely different approach—one that leads to genuine, lasting change.

1) Authentic Goals

In coaching, we dig deep to uncover which goals are driven by external pressure—and which ones are rooted in your own values and desires. 

When your goals reflect who you truly are and what matters most to you, they generate real motivation. That’s the kind of fuel that keeps you going even when things get hard. 

With authentic goals, you take back control over your life; you're no longer chasing what others have or what they want from you; you're chasing what matters to you. That inner clarity reduces the urge to measure your worth against someone else’s timeline or success. Instead of external comparison, you can learn to compare yourself to your past self which is a powerful and healthy way because it builds confidence. The two together - authentic goals and comparing yourself to your past self - ensures that your motivation and confidence levels soar. Your life becomes more meaningful and enjoyable. 

2) Non-Judgmental Self-Reflection

Seeing your flaws doesn’t have to involve judgment or shame. Instead of scolding yourself because of your mistakes and shortcomings, you can choose to look at them in order to seek understanding. 

During coaching, I guide you to observe yourself from a neutral, curious perspective—like an external observer. We explore your problems, patterns, imperfections and life circumstances without judgement or shame. That’s how you discover truths you couldn’t see before—truths that will become the building blocks of your success and personal growth. When you personally experience how understanding leads to growth and transformation, you’ll stop viewing mistakes—yours or others’—with judgment. You’ll see them as sources of insight.

And that understanding and insight comes from honest curiosity and well-crafted questions.

Let’s return briefly to the earlier two examples: the woman who wants to lose weight but struggles with willpower, and the man who wants to succeed at work but keeps missing deadlines.

As a coach, I’d ask them many questions - like the ones below - to help shift them out of self-judgment and toward insight and solutions:

“I ate two slices of cake and drank a bunch of sugary soda. I’ve only been dieting for four days and I already blew it.”

• What was your emotional state when you reached for the cake?

• How else could you cope with stress, sadness, or loneliness - without turning to food or drink?

• What helps you resist temptation?

• Why is weight loss important to you?

• What benefits would losing 10kg have on your health and wellbeing?

• What has this dieting setback taught you?

• What needs to change for you to eat more healthily and moderately?

• What did you learn about yourself during this self-reflection?

  
  

“How could I forget such an important deadline... I should be better organised and stop procrastinating."

• What do you think might have caused you to miss the deadline?

• You mentioned the project was boring—how could you make the process more engaging?

• How could you break the project into smaller steps to make it easier to start and feel progress along the way?

• Do you believe you work better under pressure? Could that be why you tend to delay getting started which might cause you not finishing the project on time?

• What did this missed deadline teach you?

• What would you do differently next time?

• What did you learn about yourself during this self-reflection?

The goal is to move past self-criticism, see things in context and uncover deeper truths by asking questions. Good questions unlock awareness—and awareness opens the door to real and lasting change.

When you stop judging yourself, you stop feeding shame and fear. With that, you no longer need to distort reality and your self-image by creating blind spots in your thinking, and the need for making excuses and blaming others naturally dissipates. That’s when you become truly capable of taking responsibility for results in life. Perhaps, for the first time in your life, you'll feel like you're not a victim of external circumstances. Perhaps, for the first time, you'll feel capable of creating the life you've always wanted to live.

3) Cultivate a growth mindset

What if every problem, mistake, failure, or setback carried a message that could help you succeed?

With the right mindset, that’s exactly what they become. When you start looking at everything—especially your mistakes and failures—as information that holds answers to how you could do things differently or better next time, they indeed become stepping stones. 

In coaching, we see imperfection not as a flaw —but as a natural, necessary part of learning and growth. Every failure is feedback. Every obstacle is an opportunity to grow stronger and wiser. Experimentation and effort are the engine of growth and success. 

This mindset frees you from perfectionism and fear. You stop avoiding hard things just because you might fail. You stop escaping into distractions and activities that work against your growth and success - such as  addictions, instant gratification, alcohol, drugs, plastic surgery, binge-watching, social media, shopping, binge eating, video games, etc. 

With a growth mindset, obstacles, problems, and failures can not easily stop you. Because you know they’re just part of the journey. You know they’re not here to stop you, but to teach you, to strengthen you, and to sharpen your skills and capabilities as you work through them. So you keep moving forward, even when it’s hard. 

If you want to dive deeper into the growth mindset, I highly recommend Carol Dweck’s book Mindset.

THE 3 KEYS TO CHANGE AND SUCCESS

1. SET AUTHENTIC GOALS – Goals rooted in your values and dreams fuel lasting motivation.

2. LEARN TO OBSERVE YOURSELF WITHOUT JUDGMENT – When you observe yourself without judgment, fear and shame no longer create blind spots in your thinking. You'll be able to see and understand things on a much deeper, more genuine level—both in yourself and in the world around you. It enables you to take responsibility and to gain control back over yourself and your life.

3. ADOPT A GROWTH-ORIENTED MINDSET AND SEE EVERYTHING AS VALUABLE INFORMATION – This way, even mistakes, failures, and negative feedback can’t stop you; instead, they become sources of insight on what you could do differently or better next time.

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SELF-REFLECTION: QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU CHANGE YOUR LIFE AND MOVE TOWARDS GREATER SUCCESS

The path to real transformation is simple—though not necessarily easy. It takes effort and awareness to change your negative thought patterns and ineffective coping strategies. But trust me—the inner work is well worth the effort.

To help you start, I’ve prepared a set of questions that help you move  towards these three core pillars. I recommend you to write down your answers—you’ll get the most value when you reflect in writing.

Questions that help you SET AUTHENTIC GOALS:

• What brings me the most joy and fulfillment?

• What matters most to me in life?

• What have I always dreamed of doing?

• What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail?

• How do these answers differ from what I do right now or what I think I should be doing?

• In what ways do I limit or hurt myself by silencing my inner voice and ignoring my dreams?

• What holds me back from listening to my inner voice and dreams?

• What could I offer the world if I lived a more authentic, true-to-myself life?

• What needs to change for my goals and actions to align better with what matters most to me or brings me the most joy?

  
  

Questions to help you move toward NON-JUDGMENTAL SELF-REFLECTION:

Sit comfortably, close your eyes. Imagine you're sitting in a spacecraft, slowly moving away from Earth. You see our planet shrinking as you move further and further away to the point when Earth becomes a tiny speck of dust among the stars and planets of the Universe. Reflect on how tiny and insignificant your life really is, and ask yourself:

• What is the point of all the suffering and shame I create by constantly beating myself up and judging myself?

• How might viewing my life from a broader perspective change how I relate to my problems?

• How would non-judgmental self-reflection help me be more honest with myself and see myself, my life, and my relationships more clearly?

• How would non-judgmental self-reflection help me shift the victim mentality and take responsibility for my results and experiences in life?

• How would observing myself without judgment help me build a happier and more successful life?

  
  

Questions for CULTIVATING A GROWTH MINDSET:

• In what ways do I avoid situations and challenges where I might make mistakes or fail?

• How does fear of mistakes hold me back?

• Can I think of a time when a mistake or obstacle paved the way for future success? 

• What needs to change so that I can see everything as valuable feedback that helps me grow and succeed?

• And finally, finish this sentence:

If I could use obstacles, mistakes, and even criticism to my advantage, then...

You made it to the end of this post—which tells me you’re ready to change your life.

So go ahead—experiment with this method. Try it for a few months. Then come back and share how your life has shifted. I can’t wait to hear about your results.